Unboxing and Empathy Actual

STUDENT 1
Nirmana and I were talking on the way over here about the precept— we couldn't remember the exact wording, but like not boxing people into a corner of how you think they are based on how they […]

SHAMBHAVI
Yeah, always leave room for things to change.

A lot of that has to do with when we do box people in or solidify a view of them so that there's no room in our mind or heart for them to change at some point, or I think even more, there's no wish for them to change—in those moments where we lock somebody up with our usually negative assessment, and we aren't actually wishing them well anymore, right, we're not sending out any kind of prayer or longing for things to get better for them. And that's really the way that we box ourselves in.

In a sense, we do that to protect ourselves from feeling pain. We just sort of write people off or feel like we have some definition of them, and we don't feel our own pain.

We don't feel compassion for them anymore, and we don't have a basic, simple kindness toward them of just wishing them well or wishing they'll find a solution to whatever it is, or wishing they recover from whatever it is that troubling them. So we think people have done us grave harm.

And so then—given the punishment culture that we live in—we punish them by not wishing them well anymore. We punish them by not seeing their pain, and we punish them by writing them off in some way, or trying to get back at them, trying to get revenge.

And then sometimes there's a situation where, for whatever reason, relations can't continue with somebody, or some behaviors are in the way of having a normal relationship with somebody, and we have to go away from that person. But then, for various selfish reasons, we don't continue to wish them well. We sort of write them off again.

So all of those kinds of maneuvers are really just self protective. And anytime we don't allow ourselves to feel real compassion, to empathize with what someone's going through, regardless of whether they’re someone we're going to have in our life or not, that is very self protective. It's always self protective.

We just don't want to feel that thing, or we don't want to have to sympathize with them because we're pissed off, or it's just uncomfortable. So we'd rather write them off.

And it actually kind of tags to something I was going to talk about, which is how can we actually care about other people? How can our first response not be how badly we feel, or how we are, how something feels threatening to us? How can our first response include the other people around us or many, many other people that are going to be affected by something?

And this goes to every aspect of our lives. For instance, when doing seva, it's taken years and years and years and years to get people to begin to think about how choices you make doing seva are really going to affect other people or might affect other people.

And still, sometimes people are just in their own box of I'm this ,I'm that, I'm the other. You know, I'm too tired, I'm too busy, I’m too whatever, or just wrapped up in self thoughts a lot. And so then choices are made that don't take other people into account in a natural, empathetic way. And this is while doing seva!

And then, of course, there's myriad other situations where our first, middle, and last response is something self protective or self concerned, or selfish or something that only takes us into account, not the mandala that we're in of other people.

I don't know if it's a hallmark of our time, but who knows if this was different at some other time, but certainly we really greatly suffer from this fear about something being taken away from us, or some harm being done to us. We're constantly, it seems, in a state of self protection.

The question is, how can we retrain ourselves?

Because we've been trained, somehow, to have our first response be very self protective and worrying about just ourselves. And feeling that we're justified and not empathizing with other people if we feel other people have misbehaved. It's too much trouble. Or what does that have to do with me? So how can we train ourselves?

Of course, sadhana done over a long period of time is going to open your heart, and you are going to have more natural empathy. But I think one of the big blocks in our way is our unwillingness to tolerate certain kinds of discomfort, like empathizing with other people's condition can be very uncomfortable.

We're familiar with being in our own pain, but we're not really that willing to empathize with other people in the way that we actually feel something for other people. It's not just a gesture. And it's not just made in a convenient time in a familiar, convenient way.

And the question for some people is—do you really even want to care about other people?

We have to go there too. Like, or is it just too much trouble because you're so busy and you have enough to worry about with yourself? And I'm just putting it towards something that probably is just a semi-conscious feeling.

Do you really think it's important to learn to empathize with other people? Is it a value to you to be able to feel what other people feel and take them into account, and let yourself just feel more in a wider circle, not just trapped in the hot house of your own feelings?

When you really open yourself deeply to these feelings and this deep, deep, deep empathy, it opens you up to everyone. It's not—it sort of automatically universalizes in a way. But we have to be willing to be uncomfortable, willing to feel those things, not just our usual well worn outfit of our own miseries that we're comfortable with.

Sometimes I'm very surprised when I'll read like an ancient text or something, and it'll say something about people at those times that's exactly like what I think is only happening now. So, I do have a bit of irony about saying anything about our times because it probably could have been at any time.

But there just does seem to be an incredible amount of self concern and self involvement, self worry at the expense of empathy.

I feel like I've just spent 13 years trying to—in so many different ways—to help people to be more open to their fellow beings, and more caring, and taking fellow beings more into account in everyday little ways. Because it is the devil is in the details for sure. And everyone has understood some of that and be more aware to some degree.

But then there has to be behind it the desire to take other people into account, to empathize with other people. Can't just be something you're doing, because Shambhavi says it's a good thing. There has to actually be this understanding deep in your heart that this is where it's at.

It's kind of paradoxical, but if you want to feel less alone, you have to feel other people suffering. It's very paradoxical.

This is kind of a finer point, but suffering comes from attachment. But pain, just actual pain—every being feels pain, whether they're enlightened or not—it doesn't necessarily mean attachment.

So if you are able to feel other people suffering and their pain, that doesn't mean you're suffering. You have a more universalized feeling and you just definitely have this feeling like you want the best for people, and you feel kindly toward people, and you're willing to feel other people’s suffering and pain.

That is an aspect of freedom. It is not an aspect of attachment, and it makes you less lonely because it opens up the porousness of the self. It makes you feel your continuity with others, not separation.

So while others may be feeling separate and that's the pain that you're feeling, it's just a very deep, deep, deep thing. But paradoxically that it makes you feel closer to people, not more far away.

And it's an aspect, I feel, of my freedom that I can feel this. That I don't have to run away from it. I don't have to defend myself against it. And there's something rich there that might even be something that I would learn from.

So I would say each of you just go inside very, very deeply and ask yourself if you actually really do want to care about everyone.

And if the answer is no, hopefully that will be shocking enough that a little spark of desire will happen. It would be good to get honest about that.

I also feel a little bit helpless because I feel in the teachings and in the sadhana and in just my everyday way of being in the world and all the talks I've given, that I keep hammering away at this point in different ways, but it still goes so slowly. So I need your help.